Na Kisi Ki Aankh Ka Noor Hoon - A Song of Pain and Despair

One of the most painful moments in your life is when you come to terms with your loneliness - the time when you finally find that all those who stood by you have left you to your own fate and gone away, chasing their own stars ....

This has been the fate of men of destiny, since time immemorial and never has this fate distinguished between emperors and paupers.... Every one, of every rank and station has gone through this at times.... Only a man who has been through the pain of the ultimate loneliness can give words to the feelings of one who has been through it.... and who else can say it better than the last Mughal Emperor, Bahadur Shah Zafar II, who on paper was the Emperor of India and in reality was the pensioner of the East Indian Company....

Can one even estimate the frustration of this man, who could neither fulfil the duties of an emperor, as was expected by his loyal populace nor could he admit his loneliness or his impotence to his populace..... It was such a pain and frustration that could give rise to this ultimate anthem of despair and frustration...

Look at the lyrics - the despondency, the pain, the anguish, the frustration.... it's enough to move anyone to tears .... add to this, the soulful music of S N Tripathi (no major accompaniments) and the 'Voice of God', Mohammed Rafi and what you have is one of the greatest songs of pain ever composed in Indian Music History.... The Movie is 'Lal Qila' ....

It begins as such:

Na Kisi Ki Aankh Ka Noor Hoon
Na Kisi Ke Dil Ka Qaraar Hoon
Jo Kisi Ke Kaam Na Aa Sake
Main Woh Ek Musht-E-Ghubaar Hoon

"I am not the apple of anyone's Sight
  Nor am I any Heart's Delight
 I am the one whose worth is little,
 A handful of Dirt is my Plight"

Can one feel the pain of the words? What can drive a person to such depths of self-flagellation except the pain of being an absolute Nothing... The poet continues:

Mera Rang Roop Bigad Gaya
Mera Yaar Mujhse Bichhad Gaya
Jo Chaman Fizaa Mein Ujad Gaya
Main Ussi ki Fasl-E-Bahaar Hoon

"The Beauty of my Youthful Days has Faded
  My Love has left me alone Un-Aided
  I am the Flower of a Garden,
 That in the Spring of my Life Stands Devastated"

I am sure, everyone who has loved truly and deeply will understand the pain of these words more than i can explain......

Main Kahan Rahoon, Main Kahan Basoon
Na Ye Mujhse Khush, Na Woh Mujhse Khush
Main Zameen Ki Peeth Ka Bojh Hoon
Main Falak Ke Dil Ka Ghubaar Hoon

"Where should I go? Where should I live? Pray Tell me
 Neither here are they happy, Neither there are they happy,
 I am the Burden of the Face of the Earth
 I am the Boil on the Heart of the Sky Preety"

The frustration of the poet is self-evident .... the fact that none care for him was enough to kill him but the poet is also aware that he's not even 'wanted'... Oh! The Pain of it All!

Paye Faateha Koi Aaye Kyoon?
Koi Char Phool Chadaaye Kyoon?
Koi Aake Shamma Jalaaye Kyoon?
Main Woh Be-Qasi Ka Mazaar Hoon

"Why should one read an Elegy on my Funeral
  Why should my Shroud be covered with Rose Petal?
  I am the Tomb of my own Frustrations,
  Why should one light on this Tomb, a Candle?"

And finally, the poet questions his own funeral ... He is aware that this world is a world of contradictions - a world where the living thirst and the dead get Ganga-Jal! Tired of this world, tired of these contradictions, the poet is now requesting all his mourners to stay away from his funeral - this is the final limit of frustration.....

And one last word on his own Identity:

Na Main Kisi Ka Raqeeb Hoon,
Na Main Kisi Ka Habeeb Hoon,
Jo Bigad Gaya Woh Naseeb Hoon,
Jo Ujad Gaya Woh Dayaar Hoon

"I am not to any Fair One a Lover,
  Not am I a Threat to Another,
  I am the Fate that's Shattered,
  A Magnificent Ruin that Stands Hither "

 May no one suffer as the protagonist here.....

On Commitment - A Song

Love is an universal feeling and everyone claims to love at least once in his or her entire life .... But Love is no joke.... though everyone claims to have loved or lost, the truth is there are a few, a few lucky ones who have ever felt even the shadow of love - though it's true that those who find love are often the ones to repudiate it ..... There can be no greater sorrow than this for there are many who would die thirsting for a drop of love; while a few lucky ones carelessly spill the nectar of love on the parched earth of life for better prospects.....

There is nothing that's more challenging or difficult than love... Had Love been easy, every Tom, Dick or Harry could have stated that he/she is a lover but unfortunately Love is not something that can be easily understood or obtained ...

Mohabbat Ke Liye Kucch Khaas Dil Maqsoos Hotey Hain,
Ye Woh Naghma Hai Jo Har Saaz Pe Gaaya Nahin Jaata....

There are two facets to Love - the first is Commitment and the second is Attachment ... One without the other is useless; you commit because you feel attached.... but you do not attach because you commit - hence Commitment is the more important facet of Love - the one facet that determines Love....

And Commitment does not end even if the one you love stops loving you and leaves you in the middle of the road - alone and broken, helpless and defeated, for better prospects and better people; Commitment does not depend on Circumstances; it does not end because of undue pressure or total Frustration ....

Commitment doesn't end even if the one you love, finds solace in the arms of another, double-times you or leaves you for another .... Commitment is like a Contract that you sign with the blood of your heart and it is a contract of duties; not a contract of rights - so even if the one you love, fails to honour it, it has to be honoured - to the last breath, to the final drop and even beyond, if possible.....

This beautiful song, rendered by the great inimitable Mohammed Rafi, from the movie, Inteqaam (1969) is one of the best songs that display the side of Commitment that makes Love different from all other emotions....

If Love is God, Commitment is what makes God, God!

Jo Unn Ki Tamannaa Hai, Barbaad Ho Jaa
Tu Ae Dil Mohabbat Ki Qismat Banaa De
Tadap Aur Tadap Kar Abhi Jaan De De
Yun Marte Hain Mar Jaane Waale, Dikhaa De .......


Naa Unn Ka Tabassum, Tere Waaste Hai
Naa Tere Liye Unn Ki Zulfon Ke Saaye
Tu Be-Aas Phir Kyon Jiye Ja Raha Hai?
Jawaani Mein Ye Zindagaani Lutaa De ......


Sitam Yaa Karam Husn-Waalon Ki Marzi
Yehi Sochkar Koi Shikwaa Naa Karna;
Sitamgar Salaamat Rahe Husn Tera,
Yehi Unn Ko Mitne Se Pehle Dua De ....

After all, when we love someone, We do not expect the other one to love us the way, we want to be loved ... we simply love ... A love done on calculations of self-gratification and needs, is not love; it's a bargain and love can never be a Bargain......

May God grant me the Power to love ...... and more importantly to commit and remain true to my commitment; whatever be the cost and whatever be the limit

Songs to Remember..... XII

The most interesting thing that can ever happen is that you are somewhere in some kind of mood and then suddenly a song starts playing somewhere in the background that so much empathises with your current feelings that you cannot but stop and listen....

Today as I stood, in the lobby, thinking of my decisions that I have taken since the last few months, there was for a moment, a moment of indecisiveness - did I need to do what I have been doing? was it correct on my part to do what I was doing? how was I to suffer silently the jibes and the taunts on my failed affairs of the heart and for how long..... and for a few moments, my commitments were the only factors that stopped me from taking any action that could have proved detrimental to my ethics or commitments....

It was in one such  moment of deep despair as I kept prancing down the aisle that I managed to catch a few snatches of this beautiful Kishore Kumar song, so well-written by Anand Bakshi and so aptly composed by R D Burman..... and things became better....

The song literally talks about the simple fact that one cannot please everyone .... it clearly accepts that people will talk... we should walk.... what a song, what a depth, what pain, what anguish and still what noble thoughts.... I would not like to translate these words; let it be there for all of us to just listen and love.....

Kuchh To Log Kahenge; Logon Ka Kaam Hai Kehna
Choddo! Bekaar Ki Baaton Mein , Kaheen Beet Naa Jaaye Raina

Kuchh Reet Jagat Ki Aisi Hai; Har Ek Subah Ki Sham Huyee
Tu Kaun Hai? Tera Naam Hai Kya? Sita Bhi Yahan Badnaam Huyee!
Phir Kyoon Sansaar Ki Baaton Se, Bheeg Gaye Tere Naina ???

Hum Ko Jo Taane Dete Hain, 'Hum Khoye Hain Inn Rang Raliyon Mein'
Humne Unn Ko Bhi Chhup-Chhup Ke, Aate Dekha Inn Galiyon Mein
Ye Sach Hain Jhooti Baat Nahi, Tum Bolo Ye Sach Hain Naa?

 So true ... So apt .... A world where even Sita, that most faithful and truely commited and loyal of all women, could be faulted and doubted, what respite can we expect from this world? And why should we let the world decide our decisions? Circumstances are meant to be forced to our needs, if we fall prey to Circumstances, what difference between that dog on that street, who does not have a brain to think and thoughts to communicate and we, human beings, who have everything and still lack everything!